Taking a trip

(Alternate: Going to visit a friend and his stupid company)

Today I wanted to talk to a friend of mine. Yeah I got friends, big deal.

I wanted to ask him something important.

So I pick up the phone and some receptionist picks up.

Bitch: Hi, how can I help you.
Tommy: Did you have a sex change mate?
Bitch: Thats rude Sir.
Tommy: Well the last time I called Matt was a guy.
Bitch: Oh... I'm his receptionist sir.
Bitch: Can I help you with anything?
Tommy: Yeah connect me with him.
Bitch: I can't Sir. He is busy.

Damn bitch. I hate it when people say no to me.

Tommy: Just connect me allready. He will be pissed if you don't.
Bitch: I can't Sir.
Bitch: Can I leave a message?
Tommy: Tell him I'm coming over.

Damn. That is gonna be a long trip.

So I go to the airport, get a ticket and step on the plane to the great country of England.

While on the plane I help myself to a lot of small drinks. I should have brought my own bottle it's much bigger.

Well I arrive in the big city and flag a taxi. I want to go to my friend and slap his receptionist but I'm hungry so off to the "Dutch Pancake House". Well I can tell you that I have seen loads of people mistreat pancakes but this was new for me. It was nothing like a Dutch pancake. It looked a lot like what happens if you boil milk in a fryingpan for to long.

So I went to the Kentucky Fried shitty Chicken across the street.

After I grabbed the good pieces of chicken instead of what that basterd wanted to give me I go to that company of my friend.

I walk in the door and then I see her.

Tommy: Well now I can see why he picked you.
Tommy: It wasn't because you where the smartest of the bunch.
Tommy: Tho cuddo's on the boobies.
Bitch: What did you say?!
Tommy: Nothing. Where is Matt?
Bitch: He is in a very important meeting. I can't let you see...

*slap*

As I walk to the big door, and still hear the receptionist sleeping, I was thinking what they where talking about. Maybe they can use my expert opinion.

On the moment I open the door I hear some fat bastard finishing a sentence.

Boss1: ...so if we end up doing it Boss2's way. We can save up to 12.000,- pound.
Tommy: He is wrong. Matt is right about the subject.
Tommy: I just looked it up and it turns out there are to many hidden costs.
Matt: Look he agrees with me.

Damn, good guess.

Boss2: I still think that is the best idea for the company.
Tommy: But the reason to look in to it was to see if we could save money.
Tommy: If we look in to the project and complete every part we will have made a 20.000,- pound loss.
Boss1: Who are you? You are not supposed to be here.
Tommy: Sir, I worked in accounting for the last 2 years.
Tommy: Matt asked me to find out if there where any hidden costs.
Boss1: Of course. How could I forget about you.
Boss2: Well what did ya find out then.
Tommy: Like Matt said. The costs for the project to actually make a profit are past 52.000,- pounds.
Tommy: The way it works now is that we spend 64.000,- pounds on first contact but we get back 32.000,- pounds by sales. So end up saving 20.000,- compared to the new proposal.

I still have no idea what I'm talking about.

Boss1: Well we will leave it at that then.
Boss2: Matt you work it out and give us the full report.
Matt: Ok Sir.

Well that went rather good.

Matt: Why is my receptionist not picking up?
Tommy: Oh she is sleeping behind the counter.
Tommy: Want to go to the pub? I have an important question.
Matt: Sure.

We walk in the pub, fuck about with the bar maid who has the most perfect B cups you'll ever see. Then after a few pints Matt asked what the important question was.

Tommy: I wanted your opinion on whether I should pick tomato or chicken soup for lunch.

Hey it's important to me.

The new thing: Telephone... (part2)

(alternate: How to let a newbie do my job, well sort of.)

As you all know, we started with telephone services a while back. The things is that this always makes for a shit load of "problems".

Well today the boss walked in to tell us something...

Boss: Guys, we have good news. Today we go live with Telephone.

Well I can tell you loads of things but this isn't good news. This really is bad news. Oh it's good news for the boss, because he can get more money from customers, but bad news for us because we will have even more idiots calling us to complain and tell us how we should do our job.

Tommy: So how many new guys will we be hiring?
Boss: We got 24 new guys and one will be assigned to each of you.
Tommy: Thats nice, really. But why give them to the back office?
Boss: Well this way they will know more because you are so good teachers.

Damn, he knows telling me I'm good is my only weakness... Damn you!

Well this doesn't have to be all that bad. I can now make someone to be excactly like me. My own little mini me.

So a group of guy's and one girl walk in and everyone wants to pick the girl. Not me, I have a girlfriend and the last time I picked the girl there was no sex for 3 months and I so like the sex.

Well I picked the guy who looked most pissed of because he was going to do a job he didn't want to do anyway and I started to work on him.

LilSteve: Hi I'm... Steve.
Tommy: Hi. Now sit down and follow me.
LilSteve: Ok. What do I need to do?
Tommy: Let's do it different. The phone will ring and you pick it up and do what you think you should do.

*ring ring*

Steve pickes up te phone and does everything by the book. It's like he read the book allready.

But the thing is. I noticed a little smirk on his face. Like he thought of something he wanted to do and was enjoying it in his mind.

So to push it a little I decide to see what he was made of.

Tommy: Looks like you where enjoying yourself there.
Tommy: What did your sick mind wanted to do to the customer?
LilSteve: Nothing, it was nothing.
Tommy: Offcourse there was. You wanted to call the customer retarded didn't you?
LilSteve: No... offcourse not... I... wouldn't.
Tommy: Well you where right if you did.
Tommy: He was being a real retard.

Here it comes.

LilSteve: Well yeah he was being and idiot.

They always do. The things is now he actually has to say it to the customer.

Tommy: Well next time handle it like how you would want to.
LilSteve: Ok I will. Should be fun.

*slap*

Tommy: Bad LilSteve. We are here to help people. Not to have fun.

The guy acros from me starts laughing.

*ring ring*

Now pick up the phone and show me your creative side.

LilSteve: Hi there idiot, what can I do for you.
Customer: What? You bastard...

I steal the phone from LilSteve and hit him with it.

Tommy: Sorry Sir, Just a min while I deal with the guy who just picked up the phone.
Customer: You better, that baste...

*on hold*

LilSteve: Why did you hit me?
Tommy: You called him an idiot while picking up. Are you retarded?
LilSteve: But you said...
Tommy: You really are slow aren't you?
Tommy: I'll do it. Just watch.

So I pick up the phone and show him how it is done.

Tommy: Sir, I'm sorry you where treated like that. What seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well I called because I have problems with my phone connection.
Tommy: Can you tell me what those problems are?
Customer: I can't call people and now...
Tommy: Let me guess, you want your money back.
Customer: Yeah I do.
Tommy: How long do you have this problem sir?
Customer: For more then 4 months now.
Tommy: Have you been drinking paint when you where a child?
Customer: WHAT! How dare...
Tommy: Sir, we only started with providing this service one month ago.
Tommy: I think you have been calling the wrong company.
Customer: But that can't be I am...
Tommy: Yes, you are retarded sir. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Some people just are.
Customer: You can't treat me like that I'm a customer and I will end all services I have with you.
Tommy: You aren't our customer sir. You called the wrong number.
Tommy: So goodbye.
Customer: But I...

*click*

Looks like he was an Idiot. Still thats not how you pick up the phone... Unless you are drunk and really don't give a damn. I have some morrals you know.

LilSteve: So I was right? He was an idio...

*slap*

LilSteve is a sleep right now, maybe he will learn tomorrow.

I hate teaching people.

The new thing: Telephone... (part1)

(alternate: ...and your death because of it.)

No I'm not going to kill anyone. Yet. But there is this thing that is making me want to.

Our company decided to not only give TV and Internet, but also Telephone. Even though it isn't a bad thing they had to try it. They wanted customers to try it out. This means more work for me... and I hate to work. I prefer drinking.

On an unrelated note: I bought a new bottle of whiskey... Good times.

The problem with a company having a new service and testing it out is that loads of morrons don't understand it is in a testing fase. It even says so in the new ToS you have to sign.

It states that if there are any problems with the connection we are not responsible for the time you are "offline" because it is still in a testing fase. That's why you only pay like 10% of what the normal charges would be.

The bad thing is that customers, after they sign, don't agree when they don't have a connection for 1 hour and want to call me.

The good thing about them having this telephone connection is that they can't call me. Mwuhahaha.

Wait, what are you doing?

Don't pick up that mobile!

Stop!

*ring ring*

DAMN!

Tommy: Customers service. How can I help you get smarter?
Customer: Hi... what do you mean?
Tommy: Well you are calling for help right? I'm here to inlighten you.
Customer: Well the thing is...
Tommy: Let me gues. Your phone connection is offline?
Customer: Yes, how did you know?

How can I know. It's only been the 50th customer complaining about this. Oh and 2 had a wrong number. After waiting for more then 20 minutes. Idiots.

I think awnsering the phone in Dutch didn't help them a lot either.

Tommy: Only a guess Sir.
Customer: Well I want you to fix it.
Tommy: We are still working on it.
Tommy: The connection should be back in a day or two.
Customer: That is stupid. I need this phone. My wife is sick and I need to be able to call family or a hospital if something happens.

What idiot would join a trial for telephone while their partner is sick. You know there can be loads of times where you won't have a connection. Thats why you pay almost nothing at all.

Why do you people never read the ToS?

Tommy: Sir, one question. Is your IQ below 60?
Customer: Are you calling me retarded?
Tommy: No Sir. I'm only implying you are.
Customer: You can't treat me like that!
Tommy: Why not Sir? Who would join a trail for telephone if their wife is sick?
Customer: I don't get your point.
Tommy: How can you not get this?
Tommy: Where you droped on the head as a child?
Tommy: I bet you where.
Customer: You bastard! You can't treat me like that!
Customer: Connect me to your manager.
Customer: I will get you fired!
Tommy: You sure you want that? He is rather bussy, and you being retarded won't help.
Customer: Connect me NOW!
Tommy: As you wish Sir.

*click*

Hope he enjoys the music, as my mannager is still on his holday.
Should be entertaining.

When you try something new and it is still in beta or trail. Read the ToS.

Is it really that hard?

Damn, need a new bottlle.

I know more then you do

(Alternate: I actually read the ToS. Terms of Service)

If you don't pay, we disconnect you.

Except replace "we" with "I" and "disconnect you" with "get your big screen tv".

I love the idea of a bailiff. He will be the basterd blamed in the end.

You want acces to the internet, you agree with the ToS, you pay, we make sure you get online.

It's as easy as that. But some people still have to bother me with their "lawyer" talk.

So after about 20min of "on hold" and half a bottle of whiskey I picked up the phone.

Tommy: What can I do for you today?
Customer: I've been offline for more then 2 weeks now and I want you to compensate me with some money for all the expenses I made for calling your number and the days I've been offline.
Tommy: Give me your client number and I'll look up everything Sir.
Tommy: I have to put you on hold for a few minutes Sir. Do you Like Britney Spears?
Customer: No I hate her!

The thing is it looked like the customer was right.

Yes she is a horrible singer, but that was not what I meant.

There was an e-mail history wich said that they lost there connection and that we would try to fix it as soon as possible. But it never showed we actually did.

That can't be.

Something is wrong.

Then I see a little note in our program. There was a note on a previous e-mail saying the following:

Customer is complaining about not having internet. Turns out they didn't have a computer for 5 days and they wanted money back because they couldn't get online. They ended up not paying for 5 months. We sent the bailiff to get our money and disconnected them.

Did I read that right? They want money back for not being able to get online because they didn't have a PC? And on top of that they also didn't pay for 5 months?

Damn those idiots.

So I get on with the conversation.

Tommy: Sir I looked everything up and it turns out you're a retard.
Customer: You can't talk to me like that!
Tommy: Why does every retard say that. Like I don't know better.
Customer: I want my money back! NOW!!
Tommy: Sir, you didn't pay for 5 months. What money do you want back?
Tommy: You also have been disconnected.
Customer: I still want my money and TV back. It was a new one.
Customer: I'll call my lawyer.

The big screen TV arrives.

Tommy: So you didn't read the ToS then.
Tommy: You won't get your TV back.
Tommy: Even if you where right I still wouldn't give it back Sir.
Customer: Why?!
Tommy: Because you are a retard and I'm enjoying it to much.
Tommy: It's so much bigger then the one I had.
Customer: You can't treat me like this.

Why do they always say that? I decide what happens with your life.

At least your online one.

Tommy: You wan't to talk to my manager sir?
Customer: Yeah, right now. I'm going to get you fired!
Tommy: Just a sec Sir, I'll connect you.

To bad my manager is on holiday for 2 weeks. Should be on hold for a long time.
At least he can enjoy the great music I put on for him. Hit me baby one more time!

Just stop being such a retard and read the ToS!
If you don't pay we get your TV. It's as simple as that.

Damn hippies.

Bad day

(Alternate: I should have stayed sick.)

The last 2 days I was as sick as humanly possible. The only people more sick then me where the retards that where calling me today.

The moment you wake up, no mater how good you feel, you will know the day will suck from the moment you walk out of the door.

Like a paper boy who decides to bring a newspaper the second you walk out of your house.

Or the hundreds of people who start a traffic jam.

They all do that just to piss me off.

I bet they call each other in the morning and say something like:

Bastard1: I heard that guy is going to work, lets bother him.
Bastard152: Yeah lets do that, whooot!
Bastard67: He won't see this comming.

That good thing is I finaly got to work and to my whiskey bottle.

The thing is, for the first time a good feeling went over me. I looked at the list and I saw only 5 e-mails and no calls waiting.

Tho there still was a little voice inside my head that warned me of things to come. But I decided to ignore him and started with my 3rd shot of the day.

Then the boss walked in and he looked pissed. I mean really pised. I have seen tomato's less red then he was.

It turned out that every mail for the last week turned up in a wrong inbox because some idiot in administration fucked up the system.

And I thought we where working so hard.

The list for pending mails was now: 5303.

Mental note: Never ignore the voice again and stay home sick.

This list will take more then a week to finish.

Damn bastards.

Why always money

(Alternate: People who are stupid enough to think I will give them money.)

Why do clients always think they can get money from us?

I mean, you should do a hell of work before I will give you any.

It was a late night because we where celebrating Sinterklaas. So that meant a shit load of presents for me en twice as much beer.

So to make sure I didn't have an headache I was drinking at work from my secret Whiskey bottle in my desk.

*ring ring*

Oh joy the first caller of the day. He prob wants some money.

Tommy: Good morning *hick* What can do today for you I?
Customer: YOU SHOULD HANDLE YOUR CUSTOMERS BETTER I'VE...
Tommy: Sorry sir but could you turn the volume down on you phone?
Tommy: I have a big headache and I'm trying to drink it away.
Customer: What?!
Tommy: Never mind... What is your problem?
Customer: I have been on the phone for hours and everyone I talked to seems to be an idiot.
Customer: I want my money back, and I want it NOW!

I knew it. Always money. Damn greedy bastards.

Tommy: Why do you think we can give you money sir?
Customer: Well we didn't have internet for 2 days and because of that I won't pay for this month.
Tommy: So you want your money back, while you didn't pay for the last bill?
Tommy: And that only because you where without internet for 2 days?

Remind myself to close his account to make it even.

Customer: Yeah, I contacted my lawyer and he said I was right.
Tommy: You sure? Didn't he say you where being retarded?
Customer: You CAN'T talk to me like that!
Tommy: Like what sir?
Customer: You just called me retarded!
Tommy: No sir. I just stated that your lawyer could have said that.
Tommy: I mean I know why he would have.
Customer: You can't treat me like that! I want my money BACK! NOW!!!
Tommy: Didn't I just ask you to turn the volume down?
Tommy: Anyway, I will arrange for you to get you money back sir.

Oh yeah, I need to give this guy his life back. Not money.

Tommy: Sir, never mind what I just said. You keep the money for the month you didn't pay for and I will make everything right.
Tommy: Good day sir.
Customer: Tank you, good day.

Then now, what should I do.
What I should do is give this man a % of the month for the 2 days he wasn't online.

Well I'll do it, but replace "%" with "ban for the rest" and replace "days he wasn't online" with "minutes he was bothering me."

Thats will prob help.

The good thing her is, now he has a reason to get an entire month of pay back.

I'm such a good guy.