Move out of the country

(Alternate: Am I wanted or what)

A few days ago a company contacted me and asked me to move to Manchester, England. It was almost the same job as I do now, but for an international company.

I know I'm multilingual, and I even speak Dutch, but to move to England. I don't know. I have a mate who lives there. Well not in Manchester but close enough. He is a Scouser after all.

But doing the same work as I do now only in more then one language... should be fun.

After they called and said they would send the ticket for the plane it was only a matter of time until I could call customers bastards in many different languages.

The day arrived and so did my plane in Manchester. Of course it arrived, you are reading this aren't you? Idiot.

After I checked in to my hotel I went to the company. Some cute receptionist welcomes me and showed me around.

Receptionist: Can I help you with anything?
Tommy: A beer would do.
Receptionist: Haha. Do you want tea or coffee?
Tommy: What was funny?
Tommy: Well I heard how much your coffee sucks so make it a tea.

Maybe I can spice it up a little with the bottle of whiskey I brought with me.

They should make whiskey tea. I would buy loads of bottles. Or would that be in in those tea nets? Oh well...

After a while some big man came in and it turned out he was the boss. He liked my resume and he asked if I could sit down and show them what I could do.

I was to answer some calls and be like myself. Did he make a mistake or what.

The first customer was a hole in one. he was Dutch. I bet the boss doesn't speak Dutch.

[auto translate mode]

Tommy: Well hi there idiot. What did you do wrong today?
Customer: What?! How dare you.
Customer: I have a problem you need to help me.
Tommy: I don't even know what we do so tell me that and maybe I can help.
Customer: I'll give you my customer number so you can see it.
Tommy: You'll give me your customer number? Thanks, good idea really.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tommy: Never mind, you are to retarded to understand anyway.
Tommy: I'll hang up on you now.
Customer: you can't do this!!
Tommy: You're welcome Sir. Goodbye.
Customer: No, you bast...

*click*

[/auto translate mode]

That went rather well. And I bet the boss knows what "You're welcome Sir. Goodbye." means, so that should have looked good.

The boss offered me the job, but I didn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong I love to call people idiots but it's to easy if they don't understand me.

I prefer to call American and English people retards in Dutch.

Call our services

(Alternate: Money for calling us.)

When people have problems with their connections and they have to call us a lot they can get their money back for the time they spend calling us.

Normally a customer calls or writes telling us they want money back for calling our service number and somehow they always end up with nice high numbers like $ 100,- or even $ 250,- What we do after that is send them a letter back saying they need to send their phone bill log and it turns up they spend about $ 9,62.

Well today was different. A letter arrived and the customer wanted $ 426,53 back for calling our service number.

Strange high number. He also attached a bill for his phone which stated a total of $429,92. And the costs for service numbers where $426,53.

The good thing was he was a customer of ours so I could check his phone records.

After looking at the records I see that he called two different service numbers. One of them is ours which had a total cost of $ 11,53 but the other $ 415,- where for one single number.

I wondered what it was so I called the number. I it's work time, what do I care.

Suzan: Hi, it's me... Suzan.
Suzan: Have you been a bad boy again?
Tommy: Bad? I bully loads of people for being stupid, but thats not bad is it?
Suzan: Oh sorry, I thought you where Harry.
Suzan: He used to call from this number.

Hmmm, Harry from finance calls this number? Need to talk to him about it later. Should be fun.

Tommy: Well, I'm not Harry.
Tommy: But you like bad boys do ya?
Suzan: Yeah I do. You want me to spank you for being bad?
Tommy: I need to remember that one.
Tommy: Have to go see ya.
Suzan: But darling why hang...

*click*

No time for phone sex now. Need to talk to a customer.

Tommy: Hi Sir.
Tommy: This is Tommy from customer services.
Customer: Hi, what can I do for you.
Tommy: That sounds familiar...
Tommy: Anyway, we just received your letter and you want $426,53 from us?
Customer: Yeah I called your service number a lot and that was my bill.
Tommy: Well I looked into it and it turns out you didn't only call our number Sir.

I bet he won't tell he called a number for phone sex.

Customer: Well I did call a diff service number but that wasn't that long.
Tommy: Not that long? You called for almost 7 hours in one month.
Customer: Well even still, that wouldn't make more then $ 400,-.
Tommy: Sir, you called to be punished to a phone sex number. That costs $1,- a minute.
Customer: I didn't call to a phone sex number!!!!
Tommy: So you like to be a bad boy?
Customer: How dare y...
Tommy: Sir, I have the records here.
Tommy: You called the number.
Customer: But I... ok.
Tommy: We can however give you the costs for our number back.
Tommy: That's a total of $ 11,53.
Customer: Euhm... Thanks?!
Tommy: Now don't be stupid again.
Tommy: Because we will find out the wrong things you do.

*evil laugh*

Customer: What?!
Tommy: Goodbye Sir.
Customer: I'm not done y...

*click*

Well only one thing left to do.

Tommy: Hi Harry, how have you been...

I love torturing people.

Really busy

(Alternate: Good bye private life)

Well as you may have noticed there is no real update schedule.

Because a lot of things where happening in my private life I haven't been able to update. I'll try to work to an update schedule of 3 stories a week for the time beeing.

With a bit of luck you will see a story later this day. At the least there will be one tomorrow.

See ya all later with a new story.

Bad things that end good for me

(Alternate: Today I discovered I'm not what you would call a workaholic.)

When I work, I watch movies, play some games, write some stories and of course drink some whiskey.

It was an early morning when the alarm went off.

After about an extra hour of sleep I decided to go to work. I go to my car and drive all the way to work. Then there is a nice traffic jam. I stop and about 20 seconds later some horrible looking bitch decides to park her car in the back of mine.

So I walk out of my car, leaving it in the middle of the freeway and walk over to her car.

Gremlin: I'm sorry sir, I didn't see you.
Tommy: What?! You didn't see a car in front of you that was about 15 meters away?
Tommy: Did you have make-up in your eye's of something?
Gremlin: What?
Tommy: Well I know I should, because that would be less painfull then what I'm doing now.
Gremlin: I don't understand, what do you mean?
Tommy: Looking at you, hurts my eyes.
Tommy: Was that so hard to understand?
Gremlin: How dare you!

*sigh*

Gremlin: I'll call the cops on you, they will sort you out!
Tommy: That should be good. They can figure out how much money you will have to give me.
Gremlin: Well I'm not insured so it's your problem.

Why are people so stupid? They hit me because they where functionally retarded and aren't insured and then they want to call the cops. Why? How retarded can you be. The thing is, people seem to show me more and more by the day.

20 minutes later the cops arrive and 5 minutes later I wave goodbye to the Gremlin.

About 10 minutes later I arrived at work. I tell my story and sit down behind my desk. I plug in my iPod and load some of it's content on my PC. My self made .exe runs and installs the video player I need, runs it and loads the new files. Now I'm ready to start working.

A new episode of House MD starts. I really like that show. Would be great to act like a bastard like that in public and open to everyone. The episode finished and I answer a call from a customer.

Tommy: Stop following me.
Customer: What?
Tommy: Sorry was watching House MD. great show. Hugh Laurie rocks.
Customer: Can you help me with my problem?
Tommy: Sure. The show starts Tuesdays at 9/8c.
Customer: No! I mean with my connection.
Tommy: sorry have to go, next show starts. Scrubs.
Tommy: They are doing a tribute to House MD. See ya.
Customer: Wait! Don't hang up on m...

*click*

At that moment a co worker walks in.

Barbie: Should you even be working after an accident?
Tommy: I have a major headache, but these things need to be done.
Barbie: Nonsense, you should go home and see a doctor!
Tommy: But this needs to be done.
Barbie: I'll take care of those. You need rest.
Tommy: If you say so.
Barbie: I'll take you home as well, you shouldn't drive.
Tommy: Oke, I'll grab my coat.

I like it when I have to go home and rest. But instead of "rest" read: "watch all the shows I've missed." Nonstop movie watching while the boss pays for it.

Good times.

Merry little x-mas

(Alternate: The untold x-mas story)

It was x-mas day, Monday, and I didn't have to go to work.

How great is that. Me sleeping all day and popping painkillers to kill my buzz.

The bad part was, my GF really wanted to have dinner with her family. Normally I wouldn't bother but this time she convinced me. Convincing me here means: Having sex with me so good that I would agree with anything.

*sigh*

Damn male hormones.

The thing is, it turns out that I promised to help with making dinner. Normally this wouldn't be all that bad, as I am a master cook re-incarnated but this time my hangover was big. Really big. 1,5 bottles of whiskey big.

So this was going to be a problem.

You try stuffing a big turkey, with your hand up his butt, when you feel like shit already.

When the dinner was almost done the family came in. I didn't know half of them so the questions started.

GF: Hi, this is my boyfriend.
Uncle: Hi.
Tommy: Hi.
Uncle: So you are the guy.
Uncle: You better be good to her.
Uncle: She is my favorite.

Always the same isn't it. Some guy in the family trying to play the big brother.

Tommy: Of course I am.
GF: Yeah he is, he is really sweet.
Uncle: What kind of work do you do?

Damn there it is again. Always the same stupid questions.

Tommy: I work consultancy and support at an internet, TV and phone provider.

At that moment it was dinner time. Eveything was done. Lets eat.

We where at the table and even before I could eat one bite the uncle starts again.

Uncle: So if I have a problem I can come to you?
Tommy: Well normaly I do consultancy but there are days where I help with customer support.
Uncle: Well I wanted to try internet but I can't connect.

So he pulls up a big box with inside a complete PC.

Uncle: Can you take a look?
GF: Of course he can, he will after dinner.

*sigh*

So after dinner, wich was pretty good. Well the "clean" parts at least. (Alcohol and making dinner don't mix.)

I pick up the box and connect te PC. Everything seems to work except Windows doesn't seem to see the network card. So I open the case and see something horrible. The Uncle was actually able to put the one network card in two pci slots at once. The card had a nice curve in it.

The horror.

Tommy: What have you done?!
Tommy: The network card is almost "S" shaped?!
Uncle: I just put it in and it didn't work.
Tommy: Well of course not you retard. You broke the damn thing.
Uncle: You can't call me that!
Tommy: Well you are.
Tommy: Who in their right mind would bend a network card?
Tommy: Any PC card for that matter.

Then some more yelling happened and some more of me calling him a retard.

The thing is, because he broke his network card like that he also managed to break his two only free PCI slots. I ripped out the card and plugged the cable in the on-board network card. Turns out he had an onboard lan but had it turned of in the bios. The bastard.

When the PC was "fixed" everyone forgave each other out of x-mas spirrit and it started to snow outside.

Sounds almost to good to be true.

To bad the 2nd x-mas day is at my parents house.

I hate the holidays.

Gone with the wind

(Alternate: Personal problems)

Sorry, but I haven't been able to write a story.

There have been some personal problems with death in the family. My Grandpa died. They gave him morphine to stop and end the pain. He had heart attacks and lung cancer. He had a twin brother who died almost 39 years ago.

My Grandpa always said he would die at twice the age of his brother. When they told him he had cancer and it was obvious he wasn't gonna make it to that age he counted again, with a new system, and said he would die on the 2nd of January.

He did.

We spend a lot of time with him the days before everything happened. So thats why I wasn't been able to write a story. I'll try and write a new one later this day.

Maybe some delayed x-mas story.

Who knows.