Moving this blog

(It's just a move, stop bitching.)

Hi all,

I'm moving my site and my stories to a different site.

You can few the old stories and the new ones on:

Inexcusably Selfish .com

Yeah the news ones aren't all moved yet. Stop bitching.

See ya all there...

Like I really care what you do.

Cheers.

Web 2.0 graphics

(Alternate: You do not know shit.)

Sometimes I'm stunned at how stupid some people are.

I'm not really stunned, I've seen it happen a million times. But every now and again there is one who stands out... A lot.

A while back we started working an a website for some big shot company.

They had a list of demands and images stolen from other websites to show us what they wanted.

I know that it is better to steal something good then to come up with something ridiculous, but give me a break. At least have some creativity.

We did a few designs and the programming behind the site was almost done. Actually almost everything was done. But now they suddenly didn't like the site anymore.

So they came with this...

Client: We want something different for the site.

Client: Like a few more options and a totally new design.

Tommy: But that will take a lot of time and the designs have been ready for 8 weeks now.

Client: Yeah, but we changed our minds.

*Sigh*

Client: We want the site to look more Web 2.0.

Did I read that right? He wants the site to look web 2.0?

Probably a lot of you know that Web 2.0 is a technical thing. There is nothing from an graphical perspective that means a site is Web 2.0.

So don't be stupid, look things up before you use words that you just heard from some geek's nephew.

Tommy: So tell me, what do you mean with a Web 2.0 page?
Client: The site needs to look more like a Web 2.0 page.
Tommy: Are you an idiot?

I so love saying that.

Tommy: You don't even know what a Web 2.0 page is, do you?
Client: Who do you think you are? You bastard. Off course I know.
Tommy: Then at all means, correct me.
Client: Well euhm, pictures with a nice glow in it and a lot of white spaces in the site.

*Sigh*

Tommy: So you really are a retard. I thought there was a chance for you, but now...
Client: You bastard, you know I'm right.
Tommy: Sir, this is Web 2.0:
Tommy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Web_2.0#Defining_.22Web_2.0.22

A few minutes pass

Client: Oh, well... it looks like you where right...
Tommy: "Looks like you are right"
Tommy: I still am.

Of course I was right you idiot.

People should learn to trust the people the hire to do a job.

Saves me a lot of trouble.

Now, where was that Whiskey...

The great language

(Alternate: Grammar, capital letters and punctuation)

I’ve been think about this for a while now, but everywhere around me I see it happening. And I don’t know why but it’s like an obsession to me.

It’s like people seem to be getting dumber and dumber by the minute. All of them acting like retards. Especially in the online world. We have all the things we need to express ourselves.

Well, while I was working (read: drinking and leveling my Dragoon) I noticed some of my colleagues saying L.O.L. while watching some porno movie from YouTube.

Tommy: What the hell. This isn’t some game you know. Stop that.
Colleague: Stop what?
Tommy: Your raping of the English language.
Tommy: Who the hell says L.O.L.
Colleague: What is your problem, what do you care?

To be honest, it irritates the hell out of me. When I’m on MSN talking to some people the strangest things come by on the screen. It’s like people forgot the meaning of grammar, capital letters and punctuation. It’s L.O.L. this and B.R.B. that.

It just sounds like some people are trying to perform a way of communicating that resembles more of the way monkey’s throw poo to each other, then communicate the way normal people do.

The internet was supposed to set the opinions of people free, but it’s like the only thing that is important is doing everything as fast as possible. And of course porn.

Tommy: It’s a shame people like you are still aloud to live.
Tommy: You are a decent Quaker and a help in healing our party, but we’ll have to let you go.
Colleague: What the hell. You can’t fire me you bastard. L.O.L.
Colleague: B.R.B. I’m gonna take a piss.

There it is again. It’s not legal to rape a girl in the street who is walking al alone in a tight skirt, then why do you think it’s legal to rape our language?

When the bastard got back he came back angry.

Colleague: Damn bastard! I got fired.
Tommy: Oh well good by then.

It probably was because of all the porn the boss found on his PC. He must have fired him after he copied it all. Oh well, things happen.

Job application:
Wanted: Graphics Designer

Special skills:
- Healing in party for Final Fantasy XII
- Rail expert in Quake 3 Arena

I know that I as well participate in the raping of this language. But that’s not the point. It’s about how you all suck and not me. Though I have to admit, I’m pretty awesome.

I got a present for you

(Alternate: Early Christmas)

Today is a big day for the world.

No it's not Christmas. Damn,that isn't for another month.

It's that I'm back.

Yes, you can all jump in the air with joy. Though if you really want to celebrate you can get some Whiskey and send it to me. Better yet, send me money and I'll get the Whiskey myself.

Donate.

It'll probably take a few days to work out an update schedule, but I'll post whenever I think of a nice story. Should be a few each week.

Another great treat is that I have a new job. I do all kinds of shit. And it's a great place to work. Because the phones and internet is connected to the alarm system it takes one hour for everything to work. So the first hour of the day is composed of Quake and Final Fantasy XI.

To be honest, the same goes for the last hour of the day. No one likes to work, so working 6 hours instead of 8, makes me less pissed. Though the lost time, spend drinking, changes that a lot...

*hick*

One of the things the company does now is hosting websites. (We do other things as well, but that will be for a different day.)

*ring ring*

The phone rings.

Tommy: Make it fast, I'm in a party hunting for my Dragoon AF1. Customer: Your what? Tommy: My Dragoon. Customer: What the hell is that?!

*sigh*

Tommy: Dragoon: "Masters of the lance, dragoons can command creatures known as Wyverns. They are well renowned for their ability to leap great heights. Dragoons can..." Customer: You are playing a game? Tommy: Yeah, there are no Dragoons in real life sir. Customer: Damn, just help me with my problem. Customer: ... Help me out. Tommy: %$@#! now the other group pulled him. You bastard.

*click*

Yeah, I hung up on the bastard. He is retarded for not knowing how Important my AF1 is. A Lance like that isn't available at some grocery store.

*ring ring*

That damn phone again.

Customer: How can you do that, I'm a customer and you should treat me with respect. I pay a lot of money each year and I expect a good host for my website!
Tommy: Sir, you only pay 50,- euro's a year. That isn't that much.
Customer: But...
Tommy: You know what, I'll cancel your hosting plan so you won't have trouble with us again.
Customer: You can't...

*click*

Ain't I nice.

You all know you shouldn't piss me off when I'm playing my games or drinking my Whiskey.

That's just rude.

Well hi there

(Alternate: One for the road, the long talking road.)

I know it has been a while.

I'm really sad about that, and I'm sorry...

Of course not, what the hell do I care what you think.

There are more important things then giving you the pleasure I grant with my stories. Things like whiskey, money, games oh and don't forget the sex. I so love the sex.

So, on with the storytelling.

Today I was enjoying my drinks once again. It was 09:00 in the morning and I felt it was a great time for a glass of Whiskey. Don't blame me, blame yourself. If everyone wasn't so retarded I wouldn't need to drink. I would, but I wouldn't need to.

After about 20 seconds the first customer of the day called.

Well he called 32 minutes ago and was on hold, but what do I care.

Tommy: Well hi there, what can I do for you?
Customer: Hi, I'm having trouble with my modem.
Tommy: Tell me what is wrong sir.

At this point I was pretty nice to the guy, but that was because he didn't start shouting from the start.

Customer: All the lights are on, except for the one saying: "Online"
Customer: I checked all the cables and everything is connected.

He told me everything, and I was amazed. This one wasn't retarded. I finally found one!

So I looked at the settings and everything looked alright. I even checked his bills to see if he didn't cheat on us. Well... he didn't.

Turned out there was a problem with the line. Somewhere in the street they where so smart to plant a big tree and cut the line so the whole block lost their connection.

Tommy: Sir, we'll send someone to fix it. Should be alright in about 3 days.
Customer: What 3 days? That's to much!
Tommy: The line is cut. It takes some time to fix it.
Customer: I don't care! It should be working within the hour!

We all know how this would continue.

Me calling him retarded, him not understanding me.

So there is no thing like smart people... well, accept for me that it.

You all know the basics. I killed his connection and gave him a pay debt. Oh well it's only about 25.000,00 euro.

I think it's time for all of you to die and let me repopulate the world together with Joss Stone, Julia Styles, and Nathalie Portman.

Say goodbye

(Alternate: This is the last day)

No. I'm not saying goodbye. Well I am, but not you all. It's to someone else.

About 3 weeks have gone by since my car accident and some people had to be funny about it and things needed to be set strait.

The person who was a basterd was non other then... LilSteve.

The thing is, I don't mind making fun of people. I've grown to enjoy it really. But when people make fun of me they are going down.

LilSteve was trying to hard to look like me so I needed to bring him down for that.

So I talked to the Boss and we came up with a solution. The next day, the following happend.

*ring*

Like normal the phone rang and LilSteve picked it up.

LilSteve: Hi, what can I do for you?
LilSteve: Yeah, well you are a retard sir.
LilSteve: Well I can, and will.
LilSteve: Goodbye you looser.

Me and a different co worker look at each other and both...

*sigh*

It's like he was feeling like he had power over people. If only he knew.

Tommy: LilSteve, we need to talk.
LilSteve: Hey gimpy, what is it about?
Tommy: What? We need to talk about that later...
Tommy: Still, I think you are being to big. You should watch it.
Tommy: Before you know you will be fired.
LilSteve: Yeah like that will happen.
LilSteve: They will never fire me, I'm to good. Untouchable.

After that I really needed to get that arrogant punk.

The thing is, when the boss is around, he won't do things like that and he is care full. He is taught by the best... by me.

So there was a different plan needed because none of the other guys wanted to say anything.

After a few minutes I came up with a plan.

I started working again and acted like my usual self. I called people names and did the most creative things about people and cables in different holes.

Amazing what people try and do to get their connection to work.

Anyway, LilSteve did the same and didn't noticed I stopped as soon as he started.

I waited for about an hour and went for him.

Tommy: Well I hope you had fun.
LilSteve: What are you talking about? Where you hit in the head?

*sigh*

Damn bastard.

Tommy: Your last day of work.
Tommy: You can't treat the customers like that.
LilSteve: Of course I can. The boss will never find out.
Tommy: Oh he will.
LilSteve: What are you talking about you big bastard.
Tommy: I'll tell him about you.
Tommy: With this.

Thats when I showed him the memo recorder I started at the moment I stopped making fun of customers. All his conversations where on it. Good day.

Tommy: I'll show this to the boss and then you will be gone.
LilSteve: You damn bastard. I should hit you in the head.
LilSteve: Tho I bet it won't help much.

*slap*

Well now LilSteve was hit in the head and is home sick for a couple of years. He should get some rest... Thats what my doctor said anyway.

The good thing in this is he will get fired the day he gets back.

Good thing I told him I didn't give the tape to the boss.

Goodbye my apprentice. The force was strong in you.

Move out of the country

(Alternate: Am I wanted or what)

A few days ago a company contacted me and asked me to move to Manchester, England. It was almost the same job as I do now, but for an international company.

I know I'm multilingual, and I even speak Dutch, but to move to England. I don't know. I have a mate who lives there. Well not in Manchester but close enough. He is a Scouser after all.

But doing the same work as I do now only in more then one language... should be fun.

After they called and said they would send the ticket for the plane it was only a matter of time until I could call customers bastards in many different languages.

The day arrived and so did my plane in Manchester. Of course it arrived, you are reading this aren't you? Idiot.

After I checked in to my hotel I went to the company. Some cute receptionist welcomes me and showed me around.

Receptionist: Can I help you with anything?
Tommy: A beer would do.
Receptionist: Haha. Do you want tea or coffee?
Tommy: What was funny?
Tommy: Well I heard how much your coffee sucks so make it a tea.

Maybe I can spice it up a little with the bottle of whiskey I brought with me.

They should make whiskey tea. I would buy loads of bottles. Or would that be in in those tea nets? Oh well...

After a while some big man came in and it turned out he was the boss. He liked my resume and he asked if I could sit down and show them what I could do.

I was to answer some calls and be like myself. Did he make a mistake or what.

The first customer was a hole in one. he was Dutch. I bet the boss doesn't speak Dutch.

[auto translate mode]

Tommy: Well hi there idiot. What did you do wrong today?
Customer: What?! How dare you.
Customer: I have a problem you need to help me.
Tommy: I don't even know what we do so tell me that and maybe I can help.
Customer: I'll give you my customer number so you can see it.
Tommy: You'll give me your customer number? Thanks, good idea really.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tommy: Never mind, you are to retarded to understand anyway.
Tommy: I'll hang up on you now.
Customer: you can't do this!!
Tommy: You're welcome Sir. Goodbye.
Customer: No, you bast...

*click*

[/auto translate mode]

That went rather well. And I bet the boss knows what "You're welcome Sir. Goodbye." means, so that should have looked good.

The boss offered me the job, but I didn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong I love to call people idiots but it's to easy if they don't understand me.

I prefer to call American and English people retards in Dutch.